I can’t bear to deny myself the favor of honesty anymore, so here I am now in an attempt to ease the sick, burning pain that has been eating at me for quite some time now. The past weeks have not been friendly, not because they were awful, but because I have been sad. Incredibly, deeply sad. Imagine being stuck in a dark place with the constant fear of what you cannot see, anticipating in every moment the worst. That’s how I feel. Needless to say, things are not okay.
I find myself thriving on other’s attention as if they are the stuff that I’m made of. I find myself chasing the praises that are good only for a few moments, and when they disappear, I find myself digging at the ground…desperate, hungry for those words. I have become addicted to the temporary, yet immense joy they bring. When I don’t get them, I feel rejected, and it does not sit well. In fact, it does not sit at all— it becomes suspended, hanging over my head like a dark cloud that just won’t go away. I open myself to people who make me feel special, but I get crushed when they act otherwise. I find myself craving for love and attention from certain people, and it pains me when I don’t get it. It breaks me in ways that even I could have never imagined.
I’m writing this now because if I don’t, it’ll just be another night of crying without no one knowing. I have work to do, but I just can’t do it right now. I am sad in my silence. Frankly, I’m sick of it and I just want to pour my heart out. It hurts me to stifle myself for fear of being branded a whiner, but I cannot hide this anymore. I’m going to try and live my life as normally as I can, but with this confession, I don’t think it will be that easy. Here on this blog is not the best way to say all of this, but this is the only one I got right now. Things just simply aren’t okay.
